A WEEK AT THE GYM ONE MAN'S STORY


If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary


For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 45
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased
with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary
to chart my progress . . .

MONDAY

Started my day at 600 a.m.
Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I
arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something
of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white
smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in
her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring.
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY


I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment,
she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work
on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in
the floor, don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


SATURDAY

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.


SUNDAY

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root
canal or a vasectomy.


Another great laugh thanx to ma! And if this doesn't scare you straight into an eating binge, I don't know what will. Hold on tight,take a deep breath, bend over and kiss your *ss goodbye,'cause retirement isn't pretty!!!

The funny thing is, my husband used to be some what of a gym nut.He's always been very health conscious. Navy vet,has always worked out,ate healthy. Over the years though,it has become harder & harder for him to keep up the routine due to working midnights, kids, hectic lives & my Awesome cooking!(see how I just make the compliment if I need one?-"self sufficient!")

Anywho,each Jan 1, he gives up pop & makes up a new workout regimine (he loves Mountain Dew,I think he'd have it pumped throgh his viens if it was possible). And each year he slips on one or the other. And each year I try to tell him that he needs to start accepting those love handles,and the arm jello,cause after 30 you OWN it! No more excuses like,"Oh it's my winter weight",or "I've just been slackin but I'm serious now". It's the same for women too, once you hit 30,that "baby fat" becomes "your" fat - there's no two ways about it! You've by then missed your window, your metabolisim slows(or becomes nonexistant it seems!), and it bcomes harder & harder t get the weight off.

But not this year, no this year my man was strong like buffalo!!! So I now have to hear the inevitable "Honey,if you would just give up the pop & the junk, you would feel great! You just need a daily regimine like me - then it doesn't hurt so much!". (remember that last line!)

So here we are now Feb 13th, and last night my husband decided to go check out Wii for the first time, over his buddies house...remember healthy,gave up junk,works out... big, strong man!!! He's gone for about six and a half hours, he comes home and the look on his face was priceless!!!


Seems my big strong man,got his butt whooped by Wii! Or his entire body I should say. Direct Quote: "Man that Wii's no joke, I've come home less beat up from hockey!" "Poor baby",I managed to utter through my uncontrolable chuckle.(I know,it's part of my vindictiveness...I need to work on that.) I really did feel bad for him, I must admit. It's not like he went jet skiing,or atv ridding,or something that you would expect to be sore from later. Poor thing just wanted to check out Wii! (they played baseball & tennis)

As the night grew longer, I heard noises from him that he's never made before... reachng for his glass of juice produced a kind of grunt like eeeghvmmph! Bending in any direction soundedlike this - "arrrrrfgbbbbph...SH*T I'm stuck!" And last but not least, as I walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth before bed,I witnessed him raising the toilet seat w/his toes so he could relieve himself! Although I already knew the answer, I wanted to hear him SAY it,so I asked ..."Babe,what are you doing?" His reply..." Ok,ok shut up! You were right ok, - we're just old ,there's no hope for us - it doesn't matter if you work out,watch your wieght,live healthy, - once you hit 30 its all downhill! I hate getting old!!!" So with that, I tunred around walked to the fridge and returned w/a nice ice cold Mountain Dew. I handed it to him and said "Here baby,come grow old with me." We walked out of the bathroom arm in arm (mostly because I was holding him up).

Today my hsband is resigned to the fact that no matter how hard you try to fight it, you will age - and sometimes not well! Oh bless his heart though for trying,I think it's commendable to be so health conscious.

Today,every time I sensed a little groan starting to creep from his mouth, I couldn't help but hold up both fists in the air,shaking them and yelling in a playful voice "weeee!!!" (I know, I said I'm workin on it - nobody's perfect!)

If I really wanted to be mean,I could read him the above story,but I think he's been beat up enough this week.

Face it we are all leaving this world the same way we came in - Bald, toohtless & in diapers!!! SAD BUT TRUE

Ohhh how I can relate to this one!

How awesome the gym seems at first. And then there is the promise (at least the one given me) that you'll feel more energy after you continue to work out!

I had to take supplementary naps just to get the strength to be able to make dinner at night.

Yup,the gym is but a faint memory for me. My problem wasn't the lack of energy to make the meal, mine was the lack of energy to stay up long enough to actually eat the meal once I served it!
I guess in my case the gym served a dual purpose - It not only burned all my fat reserves, but then continued to work as a colvert agent to try to starve me!!!
I have since found that in my 30's I am perfectly happy at my weight of 129.I'm only 5'1,but it suits me just fine,& the husband seems to like it too.Being 10 lbs overweight is now "comfy" for me & my kids say "It just keeps you soft mom."...SOLD!!

Beautiful, beautiful words and philosophy, jj! You rock!

-Love ya girl,& the feeling is mutual!!!